I don't even really know what to say. I feel like the worst times aren't the times when there's so much going on that you simply must get it down on paper; they're the times when you simply can't get it down on paper. I'm not really sure what it is currently that -- scratch that. Just now, in considering what it was that has been nagging me, I think I may have figured it out. I felt that pang. You know the kind, Xanga. That heart pang that tells you when something is absolutely right or absolutely wrong. I dunno, maybe you don't know the kind I'm talking about.
I really hope it's not just me that feels those. Everybody talks about those 'gut feelings' and says shit like 'follow your heart', right? I'm sure these are the same feelings. Y'see, I'd been feeling a little down lately. Not sad or mad or anything, just a little almost...skeptical. I feel like I'm stuck in sort of a...pattern. It's not even a bad pattern, truth be told. I'm having a great time, to be perfectly honest, but I found myself suddenly questioning out of nowhere at what point this pattern was supposed to end and I was supposed to move on. At what point do I stop being who I am now and move on to being some kind of man that I think I might be. When does someone stop being a lazy nerd like me and get the fire lit under their ass that tells them it's time to start making something of themselves. I must admit, I often find myself almost...depressed at the fact that I can't do or say something all-inclusive and expressive. I mean insofar as creating something, discovering something, being all around known for something in particular. Like a famous explorer who was remembered throughout history as Columbus, or a famous artist known throughout history as Da Vinci, some shit like that. To accomplish something and make a name for one's self that transcends what smaller, mortal existence they have.
And, honestly, I looked at these giants, these myths, these heroes of legend and thought to myself, "My God, all I do is sit around all day and be the person I am." and that had me feeling kind of...down, y'know? I don't really have any marketable skill that I can perfect and be known for. I'm not going to become president of any-goddamn-thing. I'm not going to compose a piece that will last hundreds of years. Hell, I'll barely be able to graduate from a comparatively shit college with a comparatively shit degree. And even that, likely my greatest accomplishment, will be rewarded with unemployment, contempt from my 'betters', and lackadaisical motivation on my part to in any way cherish the work put in. In fact, if I search hard enough, I find that I'm literally only completing these tasks so that I DON'T have to complete further tasks. Which seems ridiculous maybe, but seems to be the basis for life's motivations, no? You work, so you get paid, so you can buy food, so you don't have to create food yourself. You take out the garbage so that you don't have to clean the floor when it inevitably spills over. Accomplishing relatively smaller tasks so as to avoid the larger more annoying tasks may as well be genetically engraved on the backs of your eyeballs, if it isn't in fact already. I haven't checked, of course.
But that's only the basest of human life, right? I mean these legends, these giants, they accomplished their small tasks and moved on to accomplish larger tasks still. Purposefully, even. And not because they needed to, but because they were passionate. They felt that they wanted to leave a mark, to discover something new, to create something beautiful, to become legend, and so they did. Bing-bang-boom. And I find myself asking then if it's really a question of ability, or a question of motivation. I feel like anyone, given enough time, can accomplish something noteworthy even if it's total bullshit. Garbage sculptures, creation of the newest version of 'Angry Birds', getting a comedy special on cable television, what have you. Granted, a modicum of talent is required for all these tasks, but I feel more than the base talent, there is a sense of willingness to work that fuels these endeavors. I'm sure there are people out there who are simply unbelievably talented, and put forth almost no effort to create masterpieces. Or at least people that want us to think they're that way. But I feel that the vast majority has to put a lot of work into their legacy, and further, I think that's where I veer off the path of legend. Y'see, I think I have the ability to do something great. To be someone great. I mean, clearly you don't need much of an ability to be Paris Hilton, and you don't need to be terribly intelligent to be a 6th round draft pick and ride the bench for four seasons all the way to your $500k paycheck, so I feel I have at least as much potential talent as enough people that ARE legendary. But that other bit: the motivation; there's the kicker.
See...I don't give a shit. I really don't. And I thought I did, but I don't. I don't want to be somebody, in fact, I think I'd much rather be nobody. I feel like I've built up a reputation of being a lazy, piece of shit, who happens to be kind of cool. I mean, everyone has that one friend or relative that was kinda smart, and they were super friendly, and they had a cool outlook on life, but they just never got their shit together and now they're paying off their student loans after eight years of community college by working part time at Best Buy. I think I'm that dude. I think I'm that 'cool-but-total-loser' friend/brother that people have. And wanna know the worst part? I think I like it. Actually, that's not true, I'm in love with it. Because it's me, it's who I am, it's what I feel like I've worked for, it's everything I want to be. It's a perfect statement that says, "I'm a lazy punkass who didn't amount to much but I will forever be cooler and more well-liked by those around me than that famous asshole who made that painting."
It's almost cathartic. It's like I can rub it in the face of every over-achiever I've ever met. Hell, I can rub it in the face of every REGULAR-achieve I've ever met. It's glorious. I have the ability to look at a person and say that I've worked less than them, I have more free time than them, and I have more friends than them. And there will always be the financially successful father-of-the-year+trophy-wife who looks and says, "Ha! Best Buy? What a fucking loser!" but for every one of those, there are two financially successful father-of-the-year+trophy-wife who wish they had the life of the underachiever who for some reason is still very happy with life. And for every two of those, there are five regular-achieving or fellow under-achieving folk who are happy to go out and grab a drink and throw some dice with the guy who has a lot of free time and no stress.
It's almost like by not leaving a legacy, you leave one unintentionally of independence and sunglasses. And I don't know why, because I don't even really fit that bill perfectly, but that makes me feel really good inside. In the same way that I'm sure other people feel good about accomplishing something they need to accomplish or being the person they feel like they should be inside, this makes me feel good. I don't just sit around and take up space because I like it. I do it because I feel like I should. Like that's the person I'm supposed to be, almost. Is that weird to have no hopes and dreams and just be happy with each day as it comes? It feels a little like I should feel guilty for it considering how much people expect of me and how much effort has been put into molding me into a potential success, but those feelings are quickly quelled by reminding myself that I don't have to deal with them as much as I have to deal with me.
The standards I should live by should be my own, right? It's kinda a lonely road, but I'm well liked enough that I can get over it. Hell, maybe I'll change my mind in ten years and decide I want to build a scale statue of the moon with my face imprinted upon it so that no one ever forgets, but fuck it, I'll change my mind once I get to that point, y'know? Chasing dreams is hard and heart breaking work in an effort to at the end of it all, achieve happiness. Why not fuckin cut out the middleman and just be happy, eh?
Thanks, Xanga. Nagging feeling gone. Happy feeling commencing. You're such a good listener.

[If only I could bang you.]

So, what if I knew? What would change?
Or what if you knew?
But what if EVERYONE knew?
I guess the question I should be asking is whether or not the situation would be worse if everyone really did know. Or at least if you knew. I can already imagine the reaction, as I've imagined a hundred times before. I guess the issue there is whether or not those reactions would be worth the trouble. I personally wouldn't mind. I mean, it's not like this sort of thing hasn't happened to me before. And I know for a fact that it's happened to you. And while painful, it was still tolerable, and in time, everyone got out better for it. I don't imagine this would be any different.
But the deal is that it's not really about them. See, I'm worried about me. I have this image, this reputation. And it's important to me, and I treasure it. I take pride in it, honestly. But I'd also take pride in this change. I mean, I have in the past, and this could only be BETTER than that, really. It's just a self-image thing I suppose. I'm just not sure if I'd like myself as much if I were to change as I like myself now sticking to my principles. And that's...I dunno. Scary? It is, yeah. It's nerve-wracking to even think about. All of it's nerve-wracking, really. Public opinion and personal opinion both have me wringing my brain dry to try to understand what would happen and how my life would go. I suppose realistically, if it went wrong I could just...y'know. Go back. It's not really a universally altering decision. I mean some stuff would never be the same just because I made the decision, but at the very least, my personal opinion would be back. And selfish as it sounds, that does matter to me more.
The weird bit is that with all of this brain diving, all of this self-discovery and such, the most likely result will be a literal nothing. I'm converting a ton of effort and energy into trying to postulate the result of an as of yet nonexistent situation. In fact, not only 'as of yet nonexistent' but very very likely to NEVER exist. Not based on my own action, anyway. It isn't as though I haven't reached. Granted, I haven't been clear, but who ever has? Who ever would be? Not in this situation anyway. But no response. Well, that's not true. Not no response. In fact...some response, if I'm interpreting it right. And that interpretation may well be wishful thinking, so I take it with a grain of salt until I have determinate proof. Though, notably, I take everything with a grain of salt in a situation like this, including my own impressions.
So, what do I need to move forward here? Proof, I think. Or rather, a strong reaction to reaching. Something that I don't have to take with a grain of salt. And even then, it would only be the start of the long process mentioned above.
Worst bit:  Because I still don't have that strong reaction, I can't even go as far as to ASK for that strong reaction. Because of how tenuous the situation is already, it's not something that I can probe into and attempt to understand more fully. It's like attempting to catalog the function of some sort of clearly dangerous alien weaponry or something. You know that simply by studying it, you risk the weapon discharging and killing you, so your main recourse is to watch the weapon from afar as it handles situations and to attempt to comprehend its responses to very delicate external stimuli. Eventually you're going to come to a point where you just have to sit back and let the weapon do something for you. Eventually, the weapon has to do something new, whether helpful and supportive of your findings, or completely destructive and opposing everything you knew about science. But for as long as that weapon just sits there, providing the same response you had already seen, there's nothing you can do but continue the same delicate, slightly different approaches.
That's a gross oversimplification I think. Well, no, that's not true. This situation isn't all that complex. This is a fine example. Fuggit.
So, I'm stuck relying on the weapon's ability to interpret this situation and respond differently for once, which, as of yet, has proven to be...well...it hasn't PROVEN to be anything.  But I want a response. Really, I do. I've thought about it for a while, and even if the situation doesn't present itself in a...uh...work-able light, it's still worth knowing. It's still worth at least trying. I feel like that might say a lot, all things considered. The possible negatives are obviously pretty apparent, and yet, still, I feel like it's worth knowing. It's still worth putting effort forth. My tests with the weapon are important, even if we later find that the weapon was never a weapon after all, and in fact, does nothing but shine brightly colored lights.
So...well...interpret this correctly and give me a real response. Even that would be enough to move forward on.

[Gotta make mistakes to learn, right?]

I feel good.

I feel like things are working out the way I want them to.

I am happy.

Honestly.

[That was all.]